Diaries of An Unrebelled Heart

A new year has arrived and I am feeling hopeful! Our family went to Mexico for Christmas and it was one of the best vacations I’ve been on so far. It was great to spend time with the whole family without having any obligations. The three girls spent quality time together and had some good laughs, even Jordan, the 13 year old, which was especially great to see! Avery had some sleepovers in her big sisters’ room, which gave Dave and me some time to ourselves.

Before Christmas, I made an appointment with my psychiatrist as I was feeling so down and lost to a point where I wasn’t sure how to help myself anymore. My thought was that this must be time to seek further help. This is also the point where I would tell a friend or anyone who has reached the point of having suicidal thoughts to seek help. My appointment with the psychiatrist was, to say the least, very disappointing. Not only was he pushing my buttons deliberately, as I was telling him how I was feeling, but he made me feel even worse about myself. He made me feel guilty for seeking help and for feeling the way I was feeling as I discussed in my last two blogs before Christmas. No one makes us feel bad about ourselves; we do that all for ourselves. Since the meeting, I decided to discard that session, and instead feel empowered by my willingness to seek the help I need when I need it. I can go on forever about psychiatrists, or any medical profession for that matter, but psychiatrists are a special breed. I talk a lot about choice, but I and only I can make the choice to want to feel better, make the choice to continue on my journey to live a better life every day. I have an appointment with my psychologist this week and my hope is to discuss the rode ahead and to set some concrete goals for my mental health journey this year. My point is, don’t let anyone make you feel bad, make the choice to feel good, and you don’t need to let a doctor decide your worth or anyone else for that matter.

I am not one for new year’s resolutions but I do have goals I will focus on this year. I will be the change I want to see in myself.

1. Improve my journey of faith – I will not put any pressure on myself to be a super Christian, but I will live my life with intention and make no more decisions counting on my own wants and needs but on God’s intentions for me. Life lived in the Lord’s presence is more balanced with less anxiety. Why should I carry all of life’s burdens on my own when God promises he will lighten my load?
2. Make a conscious effort to spend more quality time with my family – We are so busy with kid activities and work and this requires more planning and effort in order not to take my family for granted. I have intentionally lessen Avery’s activities to spend more quality time with her at night and focus more on the sports she enjoys and to decrease my anxiety during the week. I have also planned a date night once a month with my husband. It is so easy to take our relationships for granted, but in turn it is also so easy for them to slip out of our hands and before you know it, you have grown apart. We will also continue to read the book “The High Conflict Couple” together and practice those skills.
3. Eat healthy and work out – You cannot conquer it all and as I have mentioned we have a very busy schedule. I will continue to drink my fab4smoothy and workout twice a week to start. Things can only improve from there and I am a firm believer on setting reachable, measurable goals. I think two workouts a week are doable.
4. Spending time with those that matter – I want to intentionally surround myself with people, friends and family, that inspire me to do better, that leave imprints of happiness and love in my heart. I will care less about others think of me, as what others think of me is none of my business and not my concern. Harder said than done, but I have been saying this out loud every time I catch myself comparing myself or worrying about what someone else thinks of me and it works!
5. Take my career to the next level – my work is a distraction of the negative thoughts that sometimes are so prominent in my life. I am lucky enough to love what I do so I am going to make an advance in my career. Through focus, putting the search into action, and prayer this I will make an advance in my career.

My life is far from what I want it to be, but it will never be what I want it to be unless I make it happen. I WILL BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE IN MY LIFE! Instead of always saying, “When this happen I will…”, or saying I want something but not really ever taking the action to accomplish it I will speak my wants as if it has already happened. I know all of this is easier said than done, but I can do it! You can do it!! The reason I know that is because I have already accomplished more than what is ahead of me and therefore I am able and capable.

Things that help me to stay positive and motivated:

• Communication with those I love – if you are unhappy in your relationship have you told your partner? If not, why not? What is holding you back? Sometimes it feels like a mountain that cannot be climbed and it might seem easier to just give up or live with the resentment, but from my very recent experience with my husband, it has improved our relationship so much by speaking our truths. Really talking about what is bothering us and continuing to keep the communication line open. Even when I feel like being alone, smiling and giving affection (doing the opposite to what I am feeling) have changed my perspective tremendously and have opened my heart again to want to be close and to the possibility of what an exceptional relationship it can be.  Communication with my daughters also open the doors to having better relationships with them. Relationships I feel like I have let go of over the past year. I know communication make things better but so many times, it is so much easier for me to just keep quiet, whether it is to prevent an argument or a side look. I noticed that by going to a sports game or just sending a nice text with our 13 year old can make such a big difference. Because I am such an introvert it is hard to go out sometimes and it easier to not talk or not go anywhere, but the fact is the rewards of doing opposite to the emotion/feeling action is so much greater.
• Psychologist/Counselor – I talk about this a lot but I 100% believe in it. I set a lot of goals for myself and I have good intentions to be positive, and to put into action the skills I know, but I know there will be moments where I get weak. It is so rewarding to be reminded of what these skills are and to talk about how to get back on my feet when I have a setback. Setbacks happen and they are not failures. My psychologist speaks my language and I never have to worry about saying the wrong thing or offending her, as it is not a personal relationship and is 100% objective.
• Positive affirmations – For now my personal affirmation is to be the change I want to be in my life. To be kind, to spend more time with family, to work out, to do the things that make me happy and keep my life filled with hope and positivity. When things get hard I ask myself what is the change I can make to make the situation better.
• Eat healthier, be active and SLEEP – over the holidays I let go of my healthy diet and exchanged it for eating whatever I wanted. Well, the outcome has been me feeling exhausted again even though I’ve had more sleep on average every night. The fact is exercising, eating healthy and getting enough sleep gives me the energy to live the life I want to live. These three things are key to me accomplishing everything I want to accomplish in my day!