I am not sure where to begin. I haven’t written in a while because I just didn’t know what to say or how to say what I wanted to say. This year has been a roller coaster of events happening to me and around me and in all of it I have stood my ground. From getting laid off to having emergency hernia surgery, I have been weathering this storm without a mental breakdown and most importantly without giving up the way I use to. By that I mean something would happen and I would fall victim to the event, get depressed and have either a mini breakdown over it, or a big one such as last year when I checked myself into the hospital because I just could not handle life.
The thing is, I have been listening and hearing this my entire life, but I guess the light never went on, but for the first time I truly believe you can either fall victim to an event or circumstance or you can learn from it…. truly grow from it. Grow from it, like turn the event into something good, make a different choice the next time you find yourself in the same situation.
I think so many times we get use to a way of thinking and it’s hard to accept that maybe our thought pattern can change. I believe it is possible for us to convince ourselves that we are depressed, even if we no longer are actually depressed. We get a certain level of attention when we are depressed, and I wonder sometimes if we get dependent on the level of attention. I am also cautious to say I feel better. I don’t want to jinx anything.
About 5 months ago I got laid off. Something like that would have been a hard pill for me to swallow but I decided to put in God’s hands. To not worry about it until I really have to worry about it. I did everything I could on my end. I applied actively for jobs, I went to interviews even when I knew I didn’t love the opportunity, but I wanted to practice my interviewing skills. Within less than a month of getting laid off I found a job. It isn’t perfect, and it comes with its challenges, but I am getting the experience I was looking for to advance my career.
I have been taking the same perspective with my depression. I am leaving it with God. I have asked and prayed for healing, but in the mean time I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I can do to change things. Really change things. If I keep telling myself I am tired, I am depressed, things never work out for me, that will be exactly what takes over my thoughts, control my thoughts and I will be depressed.
I don’t want the rest of my life to be full of negative thoughts, hospitals, depression and feelings of hopelessness. I want to look back on my life and remember the beauty of living a full life of gratitude and joy of being surrounded by the people who loved me and whom I loved. Most of all I want my daughter to remember me as a joy in her life.
The other big challenge I have been struggling with is the loss of friendships. I’ve lost some friends this year. I never thought how hard this would hit me and how bothered I would be by it. They were the kind of friends I thought Dave and I would be friends with for the rest of our lives. But one thing I realized is that everyone has their own journey to walk. Everyone makes decisions based on their point of view. For the longest time I would think it was my fault, I need to fix it, if only we can talk about it, but the thing is we did talk about it and even talking about it didn’t make things right. Then there’s the thought of thinking you know someone, but you really don’t. I started to doubt all the other relationship in my life. Are all my relationships just fake and is it only a matter of time before they too fall apart over the trivial things in life. Well after all the pondering, the incredible sadness I have felt, the hurt, here is where I have landed and where I will let it lie. What if these friendships were as true and incredible as I thought they were, maybe it wasn’t all a lie? What if the years, the moments, the memories were real and for whatever reason it just ended? It ended for reasons I cannot explain because I cannot control other’s choices, or the way they interpret situations or their needs, it ended because everyone is on their own journey in life, and events effects everyone differently. But I can hold on to the fact that my friendships were true, and we shared some really incredible moments. And that is worth remembering every relationship for the good it brought into my life.
That being said I have also come to my own truth, that I cannot stand still in life and ponder over what is, why it is happening, why people behave the way they do, but I can control me and only me! And I do truly believe that the way you treat other people has a huge effect on how they will in return treat you. The true quality of a relationship lies in the respect you have for others, respecting them for who they are, respecting them for the life choices they have decided to make and respecting them for who they decide to be. You cannot change who people are, but you can decide who you let into your life and who you don’t. Forgiveness is huge, not just for the relationship but for yourself. Forgive people, everyone makes mistakes and stop holding on to these damn grudges you’re holding onto so tightly. It will destroy you from in inside out. I am tired of it, I cannot be angry anymore, I have too much value in my life to hold on to, to enjoy everyday and not to miss out on the experiences and memories you can make instead of being angry. To enjoy the new relationships you build.
What I have come to conclude again is that we cannot control other people! The only person you can control is yourself, your own reactions and how you will respond to life events and to others. I always try to remember the most important relationship I have is the relationship I have with myself. If I cannot respect and commit to myself, I cannot do it for anyone else.
Things that help me:
- Believe in the power of your mind – You can convince yourself of anything! Keep telling yourself that you are not tired, you are not depressed and replacing those thoughts with positive thoughts and eventually they will become your reality.
- You cannot control others, you can only control yourself – believing in yourself, changing your own behaviour for the positive and choosing how you respond to others is what you have full control over.
- Just because relationships have ended, doesn’t mean it was all in vain – people come and go in your life. Choose your relationships wisely, value them each day while you have them and remember them for what they were when they end. Treat others how you want to be treated. Remember people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You decide how you will be treated and no one else.I am not sure where to begin.
Diaries of An Unrebelled Heart 