I have come such a long way with acceptance. Acceptance of my childhood, that I suffer from major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, medication I most likely will have to take for the rest of my life and even that my husband and daughter really do love me. There are one thing that I am finding harder and harder to accept and that is the people I love dearly, that I believe, no longer has consideration or room for me in their life. I don’t want to get into too much detail but, in general there are people in my life, such as my immediate family that I have obviously put a lot of time and effort into and then there are the relationship I crave and long for that no longer exists. They no longer exists for various reasons I believe, all based on suspicion and assumption, because the truth is I have let them go to focus on other things. Not always intentionally. During the in-between stages of these relationships I had to focus more on my immediate family, there were many years where my struggle with depression and borderline personality disorder took over my life and I could barely be concerned with my own self. There are also times when I could just no longer care about what other people think of my actions. Even though the above listed events were true for me in those seasons of my life, I am a lot more stable and feel the urgency to reconcile or just get back in relations with some of these people. What holds me back at this point is the fear of what they may say and the fear that they may not want to say anything at all. Maybe they no longer have room for me in their lives like I once had no room for them. I am so afraid of the judgement it is crippling me and I can barely breathe thinking about it.
The thing is I will never know until I make the effort and call. We cannot make assumptions about what others think of us, until we check the facts, and worry about what we think they are thinking. This is what I call wasted time! Checking the facts is a skill I learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In this case I can check the facts by asking myself the following questions. Have they ever told me directly that they are mad at me and no longer want me in their life? The fact is no they have not. Have they ever done something intentionally to hurt me? The fact is I don’t know that for sure, until I ask the question. People act in various ways for various reasons and we don’t know what is happening in their lives. Only once I know the facts is when I can decide to truly morn the end of a relationship.
On the other end of my racing mind this week is the thought of whether it is all on me to do the work or do some of it have to come from the individuals in these “lost relationships”? If we are unhappy with a friend or family member, is it not our responsibility to reach out and discuss our concerns? I am very sensitive to other people’s moods and behaviour and in more situations than not have I been able to detect others’ moods even before they uttered a word. I know I have to breach the gap if I really want closure, but for now I am putting my thoughts and fears out there without an answer or advice to give. These are the moments I wish I can change everything in an instant. Take away the fear of uncertainty.
To end my week I want to share how greatful I am to have shared tonight with my little girl! We spent the evening together putting up the Christmas tree and all the decorations. The magic and excitement is beautiful and she brightens my life when everything else seem just a little more bleak than normal.
Diaries of An Unrebelled Heart 